Relationships.. NEED ADVICE!

Hey blogosphere! I've been going through some unnecessary, relationship drama that I would love to hear your advice on! Please let me know what you think - and please be polite! Thanks =)

So things have been a little complicated with me and this guy. We knew of each other in college, but we literally NEVER said anything to each other. He was dating my friend senior year, so we crossed paths, but never quite spoke to each other. He’s good a computer/technology – so the only times I’d ever speak to him was if I needed help with my computer. After I graduated (May 2010), that summer every single computer at home had some problem or the other – so I was on and off talking to him about that. But that’s pretty much it. I don’t think it was sometime mid-2012 when we ever had a conversation that wasn’t technology related. I honestly don’t remember at all how or when we started a conversation that was not “help me with my computer.” But we started actually becoming friends (maybe Summer 2012)…and started talking a little more often and kept in touch. And (I think exactly a year ago, sometime Nov 2012) last year he told me that if I were in Chicago, he probably would have asked me out by now and he expressed that he liked me. We were in different places…so that didn’t really go anywhere. But we remained in touch, and I think it was towards the latter part of last semester where we became a little closer and especially over the summer to where we spoke every day. But, we have not been stable by any means – last semester was a LOT of up and downs between us. The summer and the beginning of this semester have been pretty good, though. I’m sure you know where this story is going – I started liking him. But since life is Bollywood Movie – let’s add a little twist.

My friend from high school moved to Chicago in August to start her PhD, so she asked me if I had any friends in Chicago. Most of my closest friends aren’t there anymore except for him – so I told her about him and they met up. And now they talk ALL the time and meet up practically every weekend.  I’m sure you know where this is going…

So here’s a bit of a back story – for us to date, I’ll definitely need to talk to my parents about it. He’s completely different from my religion and culture. I don’t want to start dating him until I get the approval from my parents, because it’ll cause so many more complications within my family if it gets serious between us, and I tell them then. It’s a little complicated… I finally told my mom about him in September, and she was kind of back and forth – but she eventually said to wait until I’m physically in the states to talk to my dad. And it’s not a discussion I can have when I’m in the states for a couple weeks during vacation, and then leave again. Since I have 1 more year left in the Caribbean, she said to wait to talk to my dad then. Which is fine – because I really don’t want to have a long-distance relationship, when we’ve never really spent time together at all, and he doesn’t want that either.

We actually had an extremely horrible patch last couple of weeks and weren’t really talking. We finally spoke last Monday, and things have gotten SO much better. I don’t think they’re quite as they were, but definitely getting much better. But during those two weeks of us not really talking, he and my friend started talking a lot more, like multiple hours a day. And during those two weeks, I could NOT get in touch with my friend at all. I didn’t want to talk to her about this whole complication, because she’s told him things that were only meant to be between us. But, I just wanted to talk to her, just to catch up. Apparently, he was complaining about me so much during those weeks – that she was afraid that I was going to be doing the same, so she ignored all of my ways to contact her.

I guess I’m just extremely irritated (and definitely jealous) at her. Firstly, shouldn’t she talk to me before you talk to him! We’ve been friends since high school, and she JUST met him a month ago! I am also really upset she told him things that were meant to be between us. And she’s doing things to him that she’s NEVER done to me. Like, make him a 3ft by 2ft Diwali card, make inside joke memes of his pictures, calls him ALL the time, everyday (this girl DOES NOT talk on the phone with anyone, it takes a lot for to even call her parents), tell him stories that I don’t even know about, etc etc. I just want to tell her to back off a little. If I was in her spot, I would NEVER allow myself to get so close to someone that things are complicated with my best friend; I would definitely keep my distance. I mean she JUST met him, and I only told her about him in August; I didn’t even mention him before. And especially when things had gotten so bad that we weren’t talking – I would not ditch my friend’s effort to contact me and talk more to the guy. And obviously, I’ve become very jealous at how close they are. He’s told me they talk a lot, but definitely not close and that he’s closer to me. But I feel it’s just a matter of time. And things are definitely a lot easier and “less complicated” to go out with her than me. So I don’t know…

My natural tendency in these situations is to remove myself. But I really don’t want to do that. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to fight with my friend! I feel like the absolute tiniest person in the world for being jealous and irritated. And bringing up this topic would only create unnecessary drama, which I don’t need right now, especially after having those horrible two weeks, and with final exams a month away. I’ve told myself, there’s nothing I can do – but I JUST HAVE TO be okay with things. We’ve been through so many ups and downs in this past year, that if we can make it through this next year, we’ll make it. If we don’t, we don’t. And if in the process, he and my friend start developing feelings and decide to go out, I’ll JUST HAVE TO be okay with it. Obviously I’m not, but I’ll just have to take it day by day.

Downward Spiral

Are you ever stressed/upset about something, and then pretty soon you go through this downward spiral with other such things that are bothering you to a point where all you want to do curl up in a little ball, eat ice cream, and cry hoping it will make it all better? (Wow, talk about a run-on sentence!) Such has happened to me tonight. It all started a few days ago when I saw my former classmates getting out of class.

[So here's my story: I started medical school internationally in January 2012. Due to my lack of science background (engineering major), I withdrew from Anatomy & Biochemistry, and completing Histology & Bioethics that semester. In Fall 2012, I went on to complete Anatomy & Biochemistry. I did well in Anatomy, but ended up failing Biochemistry by one question. Meaning, had I gotten one more question correct on the midterm or final, I would have passed, and thus allowed to proceed on. I was dismissed, but I wrote an appeal. My chances were slim, but the committee did allow me to stay and repeat Biochemistry. But they said I must get an A in Biochemistry to continue on.] So that's what I've been doing right now. Working to get an A in Biochemistry. It's unfortunate that our school only has a midterm + final that makes up the final grade in the class.

So I saw my former classmates, who are now in their 4th semester. (3rd semester is not a real semester, it's 6 weeks long. There are a total of 5 semesters in basic sciences.) And it just made me feel extremely sad and incompetent. It's been a year and I'm still in the same semester as I was a year ago. It's like staying idle for a year, and yet not accomplishing anything.

And then I see social media networks such as Facebook, Twitter, & Instagram of where couples are happily sharing their lives together. I see pictures of long-distance relationships making it work by meeting every month. I see pictures/announcements/videos of people getting engaged, married, and starting a family. I see people younger than me graduating medical school and starting that new chapter in their life. And here I am, at the same exact spot I was in a year ago, and still single.

I've actually spent most of my life single. I've had many guy friends (actually I'm quite closer to guys), but nothing turned into anything. I've only had one boyfriend, which only lasted four months. And while I try not to let it bother me, I feel like everyone around me is in a serious relationship, just waiting for the right time to move to the next stage. I also feel like all the "good guys" are taken. No offense, but it seems like guys that I admire and who aren't so immature, have already been scooped up my amazing women.

I know this is not the time to get emotional. Midterms are literally around the corner and I absolutely cannot get emotional about things I cannot do anything about at this point in time. I owe it to myself to fully concentrate on what I can do at this moment and not worry about anything else. For the first time, I'm not afraid I won't pass. I'm actually not too afraid about getting a B. It's going the extra bit, and getting an A which I'm terrified about. I've been "fighting" for medical school and to become a doctor for such a long time now, and I'm just worried that I'm not going to have any strength left in me. I know I will never forgive myself if I don't make full use of this final opportunity I have been given, so I definitely don't want to screw it up.

Here's to being optimistic and having a productive weekend.

Yelling out loud

I woke up early on Friday, put on a little makeup (something I NEVER do), and told myself, "Today is going to be a good day!" Little did I know that fate had something else in store for me.

One of my friends from college graciously agreed to help my younger brother in AP computer science (high school class). I remember when I took that class in high school, the teacher taught very less and we mostly had to figure it out ourselves. Many of the students taking this course had were already a bit tech-savvy, so they had no problem. Me, on the other hand, not so good with the programming, had to ask for help every step of the way. And I honestly didn't care. I didn't have enough pride to figure out myself, so I asked and bugged people until they either 1) showed me how to do it 2) gave me the answer. Anyways with my brother, being a boy and all - a little more self-conscious asking for help. So my friend agreed to tutor him, and since my friend and brother live in different states - they would communicate via skype.

I told my friend from the beginning, my brother is a little on the casual side, so be a little strict on him and follow up with him (don't wait for him to follow up with you). Especially in the beginning, and one things start going he might be a little more serious. So during their first tutoring session, my friend tells me - wow you're brother is really behind. Um, ya think?! There's a reason I'm asking you to tutor him. This past Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday - my friend had a bad day at work and canceled the tutoring sessions. Apparently, they had a tutoring session on Wednesday and my brother was given an assignment by my friend to complete on Thursday. My brother also had a fundraising activity Thursday evening, so I think he forgot. I'm not too sure. But basically my friend didn't receive the assignment and was a little agitated with his laissez faire attitude. Which is definitely understandable. I told him to call my brother and they decided to meet on skype 30 minutes later. It was almost 11pm at this point and my brother passed out before the 30 minutes was over, so my friend was definitely pissed. My friend wrote my brother an email Thursday night and copied me on it expressing his frustration. Which is definitely understandable. He wrote me a separate email asking to talk on Friday.

I told my friend, my brother is not at the maturity level a lot of kids his age are. I told him that instead of telling my brother "when you get stuck call me" to say "I need you to email me the program by 8pm" or something a little more concrete. Basically to leave very little to his discretion. Since I know my brother, he has changed a lot in these past couple of years, in terms of being more responsible, but not exactly the same level as I was. I also told my friend that I know he's spending time on this and I would love to pay him. I know it's not about the money, but I just don't want him to feel like his time is being wasted. And my friend completely blew up at me. He told me the point of the email was for my brother to see someone upset at him outside of his family and his sister and he was insulted that I offered him money! My friend also said, he remembers when he was my brother's age and it's completely natural - he just wanted to rile him up a little.

I then told him not to leave so much to his discretion and to tell him his deadline everyday is 8pm or whatever he chooses. He said, I'm not going to tell him anything - you tell him. I was like... what?! I replied, you just said he'll listen more to an outsider. Long story short, we got into this huge argument and he eventually told me, I will talk to your brother, but you just stay away from me. WHAT THE HELL?! He then said some more things which I don't really want to type out here - and I was so shocked how much I angered him - which I was NOT trying to do.

Needless to say - my Friday was not looking so great anymore. I was so pissed off at him and my brother. I actually don't know who or what I was actually mad at. I just feel like I care so much about other people - even sometimes acting like a fool trying to help out my friends and family and no one ever compensates back. I feel like I'm yelling in a crowded room and no one even looks up.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I have no friends. I'm tired of going out on a limb for everyone. I'm not saying that I do things for others to get something back, but it hurts when it feels like all I do is give and never get.

So I blocked my friend. I'm really struggling to keep up in medical school as it is, I don't need any negative energy from anyone. I just don't have the tolerance to take it anymore. It's funny, on Tuesday that same friend of mine told me that if we were living in the same state that he would have wanted to ask me out. Ugh, BOYS!

Wanting Companionship

I find it a bit of a paradox that academic lessons strive to teach us to work in groups, teamwork is stronger than working alone, "there is no I in team", etc etc. However, life strives to teach us to be independent. I understand where both statements are coming from, but I find it kind of contradictory how one element tells us, do not be alone, while another tells us, learn to live alone. I understand why life tells us to be independent. But is it so wrong to depend on other people? Is it so wrong to have others depend on us? Is it so wrong to want to be with people?

One of the first things that my Anatomy course director told us at the beginning of the semester, tell your moms, dads, girlfriends, boyfriends, grandparents that you'll speak to them after midterms. Basically insinuating that the course load is too heavy to worry about other relationships. While I have a feeling he didn't literally mean not to contact them in two months, I think it's kind of crazy to cut off relationships because one is in medical school. I do understand that the time devoted to relationships may lessen, but I don't agree with completely cutting them off even for a week. I, for one, call home every single day. Our conversations usually don't last any more than five minutes, but it let's my parents hear my voice and that I'm doing okay. And especially when I'm having a trying day, it's nice to hear loving encouragements to pick myself back up.

I don't think that we as humans are built to be alone and to conquer challenges all by ourselves. Medical school is a stressful environment in itself and I don't think we're meant to tackle it 100% independently. The relationships I have with my study groups are really valuable to my education and the relationships that I have with my family is really valuable to keeping me sane and pushing me to the next level. Times of challenges and rough hurdles is when one needs others more than not, and I don't think tackling such issues alone is the answer.

There is a fine line between being needy and just wanting companionship - and I think the independence factor is more pertinent to knowing that other people aren't always going to be there exactly when you need them or reciprocate exactly how you expect, so learn to handle yourself. But also realize, it's okay to be with others.