Saturday, November 3, 2012

Yelling out loud

I woke up early on Friday, put on a little makeup (something I NEVER do), and told myself, "Today is going to be a good day!" Little did I know that fate had something else in store for me.

One of my friends from college graciously agreed to help my younger brother in AP computer science (high school class). I remember when I took that class in high school, the teacher taught very less and we mostly had to figure it out ourselves. Many of the students taking this course had were already a bit tech-savvy, so they had no problem. Me, on the other hand, not so good with the programming, had to ask for help every step of the way. And I honestly didn't care. I didn't have enough pride to figure out myself, so I asked and bugged people until they either 1) showed me how to do it 2) gave me the answer. Anyways with my brother, being a boy and all - a little more self-conscious asking for help. So my friend agreed to tutor him, and since my friend and brother live in different states - they would communicate via skype.

I told my friend from the beginning, my brother is a little on the casual side, so be a little strict on him and follow up with him (don't wait for him to follow up with you). Especially in the beginning, and one things start going he might be a little more serious. So during their first tutoring session, my friend tells me - wow you're brother is really behind. Um, ya think?! There's a reason I'm asking you to tutor him. This past Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday - my friend had a bad day at work and canceled the tutoring sessions. Apparently, they had a tutoring session on Wednesday and my brother was given an assignment by my friend to complete on Thursday. My brother also had a fundraising activity Thursday evening, so I think he forgot. I'm not too sure. But basically my friend didn't receive the assignment and was a little agitated with his laissez faire attitude. Which is definitely understandable. I told him to call my brother and they decided to meet on skype 30 minutes later. It was almost 11pm at this point and my brother passed out before the 30 minutes was over, so my friend was definitely pissed. My friend wrote my brother an email Thursday night and copied me on it expressing his frustration. Which is definitely understandable. He wrote me a separate email asking to talk on Friday.

I told my friend, my brother is not at the maturity level a lot of kids his age are. I told him that instead of telling my brother "when you get stuck call me" to say "I need you to email me the program by 8pm" or something a little more concrete. Basically to leave very little to his discretion. Since I know my brother, he has changed a lot in these past couple of years, in terms of being more responsible, but not exactly the same level as I was. I also told my friend that I know he's spending time on this and I would love to pay him. I know it's not about the money, but I just don't want him to feel like his time is being wasted. And my friend completely blew up at me. He told me the point of the email was for my brother to see someone upset at him outside of his family and his sister and he was insulted that I offered him money! My friend also said, he remembers when he was my brother's age and it's completely natural - he just wanted to rile him up a little.

I then told him not to leave so much to his discretion and to tell him his deadline everyday is 8pm or whatever he chooses. He said, I'm not going to tell him anything - you tell him. I was like... what?! I replied, you just said he'll listen more to an outsider. Long story short, we got into this huge argument and he eventually told me, I will talk to your brother, but you just stay away from me. WHAT THE HELL?! He then said some more things which I don't really want to type out here - and I was so shocked how much I angered him - which I was NOT trying to do.

Needless to say - my Friday was not looking so great anymore. I was so pissed off at him and my brother. I actually don't know who or what I was actually mad at. I just feel like I care so much about other people - even sometimes acting like a fool trying to help out my friends and family and no one ever compensates back. I feel like I'm yelling in a crowded room and no one even looks up.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like I have no friends. I'm tired of going out on a limb for everyone. I'm not saying that I do things for others to get something back, but it hurts when it feels like all I do is give and never get.

So I blocked my friend. I'm really struggling to keep up in medical school as it is, I don't need any negative energy from anyone. I just don't have the tolerance to take it anymore. It's funny, on Tuesday that same friend of mine told me that if we were living in the same state that he would have wanted to ask me out. Ugh, BOYS!

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