Downward Spiral

Are you ever stressed/upset about something, and then pretty soon you go through this downward spiral with other such things that are bothering you to a point where all you want to do curl up in a little ball, eat ice cream, and cry hoping it will make it all better? (Wow, talk about a run-on sentence!) Such has happened to me tonight. It all started a few days ago when I saw my former classmates getting out of class.

[So here's my story: I started medical school internationally in January 2012. Due to my lack of science background (engineering major), I withdrew from Anatomy & Biochemistry, and completing Histology & Bioethics that semester. In Fall 2012, I went on to complete Anatomy & Biochemistry. I did well in Anatomy, but ended up failing Biochemistry by one question. Meaning, had I gotten one more question correct on the midterm or final, I would have passed, and thus allowed to proceed on. I was dismissed, but I wrote an appeal. My chances were slim, but the committee did allow me to stay and repeat Biochemistry. But they said I must get an A in Biochemistry to continue on.] So that's what I've been doing right now. Working to get an A in Biochemistry. It's unfortunate that our school only has a midterm + final that makes up the final grade in the class.

So I saw my former classmates, who are now in their 4th semester. (3rd semester is not a real semester, it's 6 weeks long. There are a total of 5 semesters in basic sciences.) And it just made me feel extremely sad and incompetent. It's been a year and I'm still in the same semester as I was a year ago. It's like staying idle for a year, and yet not accomplishing anything.

And then I see social media networks such as Facebook, Twitter, & Instagram of where couples are happily sharing their lives together. I see pictures of long-distance relationships making it work by meeting every month. I see pictures/announcements/videos of people getting engaged, married, and starting a family. I see people younger than me graduating medical school and starting that new chapter in their life. And here I am, at the same exact spot I was in a year ago, and still single.

I've actually spent most of my life single. I've had many guy friends (actually I'm quite closer to guys), but nothing turned into anything. I've only had one boyfriend, which only lasted four months. And while I try not to let it bother me, I feel like everyone around me is in a serious relationship, just waiting for the right time to move to the next stage. I also feel like all the "good guys" are taken. No offense, but it seems like guys that I admire and who aren't so immature, have already been scooped up my amazing women.

I know this is not the time to get emotional. Midterms are literally around the corner and I absolutely cannot get emotional about things I cannot do anything about at this point in time. I owe it to myself to fully concentrate on what I can do at this moment and not worry about anything else. For the first time, I'm not afraid I won't pass. I'm actually not too afraid about getting a B. It's going the extra bit, and getting an A which I'm terrified about. I've been "fighting" for medical school and to become a doctor for such a long time now, and I'm just worried that I'm not going to have any strength left in me. I know I will never forgive myself if I don't make full use of this final opportunity I have been given, so I definitely don't want to screw it up.

Here's to being optimistic and having a productive weekend.