Saturday, November 9, 2013

Relationships.. NEED ADVICE!

Hey blogosphere! I've been going through some unnecessary, relationship drama that I would love to hear your advice on! Please let me know what you think - and please be polite! Thanks =)

So things have been a little complicated with me and this guy. We knew of each other in college, but we literally NEVER said anything to each other. He was dating my friend senior year, so we crossed paths, but never quite spoke to each other. He’s good a computer/technology – so the only times I’d ever speak to him was if I needed help with my computer. After I graduated (May 2010), that summer every single computer at home had some problem or the other – so I was on and off talking to him about that. But that’s pretty much it. I don’t think it was sometime mid-2012 when we ever had a conversation that wasn’t technology related. I honestly don’t remember at all how or when we started a conversation that was not “help me with my computer.” But we started actually becoming friends (maybe Summer 2012)…and started talking a little more often and kept in touch. And (I think exactly a year ago, sometime Nov 2012) last year he told me that if I were in Chicago, he probably would have asked me out by now and he expressed that he liked me. We were in different places…so that didn’t really go anywhere. But we remained in touch, and I think it was towards the latter part of last semester where we became a little closer and especially over the summer to where we spoke every day. But, we have not been stable by any means – last semester was a LOT of up and downs between us. The summer and the beginning of this semester have been pretty good, though. I’m sure you know where this story is going – I started liking him. But since life is Bollywood Movie – let’s add a little twist.

My friend from high school moved to Chicago in August to start her PhD, so she asked me if I had any friends in Chicago. Most of my closest friends aren’t there anymore except for him – so I told her about him and they met up. And now they talk ALL the time and meet up practically every weekend.  I’m sure you know where this is going…

So here’s a bit of a back story – for us to date, I’ll definitely need to talk to my parents about it. He’s completely different from my religion and culture. I don’t want to start dating him until I get the approval from my parents, because it’ll cause so many more complications within my family if it gets serious between us, and I tell them then. It’s a little complicated… I finally told my mom about him in September, and she was kind of back and forth – but she eventually said to wait until I’m physically in the states to talk to my dad. And it’s not a discussion I can have when I’m in the states for a couple weeks during vacation, and then leave again. Since I have 1 more year left in the Caribbean, she said to wait to talk to my dad then. Which is fine – because I really don’t want to have a long-distance relationship, when we’ve never really spent time together at all, and he doesn’t want that either.

We actually had an extremely horrible patch last couple of weeks and weren’t really talking. We finally spoke last Monday, and things have gotten SO much better. I don’t think they’re quite as they were, but definitely getting much better. But during those two weeks of us not really talking, he and my friend started talking a lot more, like multiple hours a day. And during those two weeks, I could NOT get in touch with my friend at all. I didn’t want to talk to her about this whole complication, because she’s told him things that were only meant to be between us. But, I just wanted to talk to her, just to catch up. Apparently, he was complaining about me so much during those weeks – that she was afraid that I was going to be doing the same, so she ignored all of my ways to contact her.

I guess I’m just extremely irritated (and definitely jealous) at her. Firstly, shouldn’t she talk to me before you talk to him! We’ve been friends since high school, and she JUST met him a month ago! I am also really upset she told him things that were meant to be between us. And she’s doing things to him that she’s NEVER done to me. Like, make him a 3ft by 2ft Diwali card, make inside joke memes of his pictures, calls him ALL the time, everyday (this girl DOES NOT talk on the phone with anyone, it takes a lot for to even call her parents), tell him stories that I don’t even know about, etc etc. I just want to tell her to back off a little. If I was in her spot, I would NEVER allow myself to get so close to someone that things are complicated with my best friend; I would definitely keep my distance. I mean she JUST met him, and I only told her about him in August; I didn’t even mention him before. And especially when things had gotten so bad that we weren’t talking – I would not ditch my friend’s effort to contact me and talk more to the guy. And obviously, I’ve become very jealous at how close they are. He’s told me they talk a lot, but definitely not close and that he’s closer to me. But I feel it’s just a matter of time. And things are definitely a lot easier and “less complicated” to go out with her than me. So I don’t know…

My natural tendency in these situations is to remove myself. But I really don’t want to do that. I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to fight with my friend! I feel like the absolute tiniest person in the world for being jealous and irritated. And bringing up this topic would only create unnecessary drama, which I don’t need right now, especially after having those horrible two weeks, and with final exams a month away. I’ve told myself, there’s nothing I can do – but I JUST HAVE TO be okay with things. We’ve been through so many ups and downs in this past year, that if we can make it through this next year, we’ll make it. If we don’t, we don’t. And if in the process, he and my friend start developing feelings and decide to go out, I’ll JUST HAVE TO be okay with it. Obviously I’m not, but I’ll just have to take it day by day.


  1. I think it's honestly time for you to confront your friend and address all these behavior quirks as part of your argument that this is strange behavior for someone who has never this much effort to someone she has known for much longer. If she was truly such a great friend to begin with, she should have known which type of information that you share with her should be private, but it seems like she's gossiping you to a guy, which is never ok.

    As a friend, I would have ignored his attempts to complain and talked to you instead because I think that the more long-lasting friendship is more meaningful and valuable due to having shared experiences. If now, when things are okay, that he is still spending more time talking to her just on the phone than trying to find time to talk to you (granted you are a med student), then I would talk to him as well and evaluate how much he cares about you and how he shows that he cares.

    That's my cold pragmatic way of dealing with personal drama, at least.

    1. Sorry for this extremely delayed response. Thank you so much for your advice. I hope medical school is treating you well!

  2. Is this resolved yet? If not.. here's my harsh truth. Don't be a cockblock. You might want to think hard about removing yourself. What are you trying to hold on to? You're right to feel jealous and irritated, but it also sounds like you have sort of shitty friends, and that your connection with this guy wasn't that strong anyway. Even though she you've known her since high school doesn't mean she's the best of your friends now.